He was never mine to keep.

"He was never mine to keep,,,,," I think this over and over in my head.  Finally, I say it out loud as a tear rolls down my cheek.  Somehow, this has the opposite effect than I was hoping for - which was to reaffirm that this was always the plan (which it was).  Instead, it adds the permission to let the sadness spill over in a tangible way.

"He was never mine to keep", I say again and more tears follow.

I bought Justice in October 2023 at an auction in Salina, KS.  He was a gangly, scrawny, scared cremello stud colt that had just been pulled off his mother the day before.  Completely unhandled, not halter broke, scared and skinny.  Exactly the opposite of what I went to the sale to buy.  But he was one of the last ones on the sale on the last day and I had not bought a horse that weekend, which had been the plan.  Buy one, work it for a year, then sell to a new owner.

"No stallions, nothing that didn't come in on a halter and NO 2023 babies!" had been my words.  Justice was all three.

His AQHA registered name is actually, "Lead me to the Gin" but I called him "Justice".  A white horse like Jesus would choose with bright blue eyes and glittery white mane.  I spent the next weeks capitalizing on phrases like, "Has anyone seen Justice?"  "I'm looking for Justice" and other plays on the name.

I bought him for $900.00 with the intention to sell him in a year.  But October 2024 arrived and I felt that he could learn more; be better.  He came when his name was called.  He recognized me from across the field and would run to meet me.  I expected him to become difficult to handle as he reached maturity, but he did not.  

He learned to be haltered, to walk on a lead line, to stand tied patiently, to be bathed and to have his feet trimmed.  He accepted a saddle and even a light human on his back with no hint of fear or anxiety.

With each new challenge and each new skill he looked to me more and more with a thing called trust.  He not only greets me at the gate, but calls out a friendly whinny greeting when I pull up to the barn.  He puts his head into his halter and walks calmly beside me to go out in the field for fresh grass.  He's a gentleman around the ladies and knows when to step back.  

This morning when I went to the barn, I gathered the supplies to give Justice a bath - the last one that I will give him.  He dried in the sunshine and got all of his mane and tail brushed.  Then he followed me without question onto a trailer for a ride back to the sale barn where I bought him 2 years ago.  I know he will not be coming back.

He followed me off the trailer at the sale barn and walked calmly to the pen where he will spend the night.  I filled his feed bag and water bucket. Then I placed the #54 sticker that identifies him in the sale line up securely on his hip so that potential buyers know what horse they are looking at when they walk through the pens tonight and tomorrow morning.

I will be back there early in the morning, fill his feed and water.  When it is our turn, I will hold his halter open, and he will slip his nose into it for one last walk with me.

Horses don't get to choose who buys them or what kind of owner they get, whether they will be fed and cared for or what kind of environment they will live in.  They must learn VERY quickly what the person leading them wants from them in a language that is not the same from human to human.  I can only hope that I have equipped Justice well for his new owner and his new home - but I may never know what his future will be.  I just know that I am not in a position to keep a stallion; even one as amazing as Justice.

No, he wasn't ever mine to keep, but tomorrow when I show him in the sale ring and he is handed over to someone else, he will take a huge part of my heart with him.  My heart hurts even now.

Maybe my heart hurts for all the other losses over the last year and the sale of Justice and Kiya are just the tangible parts that are able to be touched as well as felt - the physical loss that gives what my heart feels the permission to feel it and the permission to allow me to feel it in all its weight. 

The Bible says that God is the owner of all things in creation; we are simply the stewards.

My life has been blessed a million times over by having all of the people, cats, dogs and horses in my life but in reality, not any of them were really "mine to keep" at all.